HESITATION

Every time I’m about to get out there and take some photos or make a video, there’s always this hesitation. a routine hiccup I always have to go through before I even head out the door. It’s equal parts self-conscious, you suck, and omg what am I doing with my life. Thing is, I’ve experienced it enough times to know that it’s just that. A hiccup. A speed bump that slows me down, but that’s it. I try not to dwell on it too much. Because if I do, it can then take a hold of me and I really won’t do anything for the day. 

What I’ve been doing is just taking it in stride and never stop moving. That means continue putting my shoes on, grabbing my keys and heading out the door before hesitation can suck me back into procrastination mode. It’s been working most of the time.

I think hesitation has a fear of action, like how vampires are afraid of the light.

Aka

Find the weakness to your weakness, and you will be strong.

by Jason Lam

MAKE YOURSELF A THING

I once made a self-deprecating joke about how nobody wants to see Asian men in the media. “It’s not a thing,” I said, to which someone responded, “Make yourself a thing”. That stuck with me. Don’t let the status quo affect your status yo!

by Jason Lam

I DISAGREE

I disagree. I don’t think a beautiful picture of a woman needs to be of a girl smiling. Nor does she have to be young. With absolutely flawless skin. Nor does she need to be wearing fancy clothes, or a bikini. Beauty can’t be quantified by physical qualities. It’s a feeling. A least, that’s what I try to capture in my photos.

by Jason Lam

FIRST, YOU MUST BEGIN

I’ve been thinking a lot about the role of the “fool” or “looking stupid” or “embarrassing yourself”. These are all things I’d rather avoid myself but if I want to grow there really isn’t avoiding that. I think most times we try our best not to look foolish. After all, we all learn at a very young age that to be called, “stupid” or “dumbass” is one of the worst offenses!

But that’s a shame because when you’re on the road to self-growth. Looking stupid and being dumb is exactly what you need to do in order to move forward. And if you can find a way to go through that phase all in private, then good for you, but most likely you will be found out. And what do you do then? You can try to hide it, or you can just kinda say, “Well, I’m new to this, I don’t know what I’m doing, but I’m going to do it anyway”. Sure, people might laugh and give you a hard time but at least you’re allowing yourself a chance to get better. And if you do it long enough you might find that the same people that were laughing at you will be the ones asking you for advice.

But first, you must begin. You need to dive in unprepared. Knowing far less than you’d want to know. Looking far less elegant than you’d like to look. Flailing your arms and looking like a fool for a good amount of time before you have any inkling of knowing what you’re doing. But eventually, you will. Here’s a nice saying by one of my favorite authors:

“Anyone who isn’t embarrassed by who they were last year probably isn’t learning enough”.
- Alain de Botton

Maybe looking like a fool isn’t such a bad thing.

by Jason Lam

DON'T LIE. TRUST YOURSELF.

I’ve come to the conclusion that if you are to grow as an artist, to not look at what others are doing. Particularly, to not look at what others are succeeding in doing. Because in doing so, we will copy, and in doing so, we become inauthentic. And the tallest order of success in any form of artistry is honesty. Don’t lie. Trust yourself.

by Jason Lam

THE BAD IDEAS LEAD TO THE GOOD IDEAS

Something I’ve learned from making art. It is often my failures and bad ideas that lead to the successes and good ideas. That is also why I’d get frustrated when others don’t allow me to fail and make mistakes. Because it’s often the misstep that leads to the right step, the epic fail that leads to the major success, and the fuck ups that lead to the come ups. Or as one of my favorite directors once said:

“Failure and success live next door to each other, and they have no numbers at the door. You just knock.”
- Guillermo del Toro

by Jason Lam

GET IT ALL OUT

Often your best idea isn’t your best idea. It is just an idea that will eventually lead you to the best idea. So get it all out. That way you can cross them all off and allow your best idea to present itself to you.

by Jason Lam

THE FURTHER I RUN AWAY THE CLOSER I COME BACK TO MYSELF

I know this sounds weird but it’s something I noticed has helped me come to better terms with myself. I quit photography recently. And this wasn’t the first time. I’ve given up on it 3 times by now in pursuit of other things. A normal job. Just because I was damn tired and disenchanted by it all. And then to pursue YouTube by creating Barely Evolved Apes. Whatever the reason, I was done, I saw no future in it, and I figured it was best just to give up.

In other words, I was running away from it all.

But oddly enough, the further I ran away from myself, and the more YouTube videos I made, the more I realized how my complete left field turn was informing the art that I abandoned. Those of you who know me know that I’ve never been very confident in my art. I never felt good enough. I didn't really start to like my stuff until about last year, and I’ve been taking pictures for 10 years. Couple that with an inability to find stable work as a photographer and you’ve got a recipe for quitting and doing something else.

I mean, everybody loves video now. So pursuing YouTube was a well thought out decision. Plus, I wanted to challenge myself, and I did.

The more I made videos though, the more I missed my “serious” work. The work that cannot be summed up with cool music or video cuts or movement at all. I missed the silent and more focused type of work that I spent most of my life pursuing. That “emo stuff” I guess some would call it. And so the more I missed it, the more I started dabbling again. But I noticed something changed. Since I pretty much gave it all up, when I dabble, I’m only doing what I know I will like. I’m not wasting time creating things because I think others would like it better. And so naturally, it came down to just a few types of photos:

Pictures of people.
Imperfection.
And a whole lot of 35mm film.

(Oh, and I also really like drawing.)

And that’s it. It’s quite simple. I don’t have elaborate setups. I don’t have fun colorful backgrounds. I also don’t have perfect composition. Nor do I care for it. And I gotta say. I quite like this version of me and this version of my art. Oddly enough, I don’t think I would’ve gotten here had I never allowed myself to quit and pursue other things.

I guess it’s true. If you love something enough you’ll always find a way back to it. So I guess I’m back. For now.

by Jason Lam

TO SPEAK WITHOUT SPEAKING

Is one of the beautiful things about art. I guess that’s what I’ve been trying to achieve with my work. To convey emotions and feelings that deep down, I feel words alone cannot do justice. Therefore, I must photograph, dance, draw, make movies, whatever it is to get you to feel what I feel in ways far more effective than if I were to just tell you with words. And perhaps, in that way, we can have conversations about things we otherwise, wouldn’t be able to talk about. Perhaps, in that way, we can also address certain problems that we both find difficulty speaking about. Perhaps, in that way, we can, as cheesy as it sounds, make the world a better place.

by Jason Lam

SLOW IS FAST

I remember one day I was packing my bags to go when the photographer I worked for at the time went on a little rant about how so many people take shortcuts and never truly learn the craft. In fact, they take so many shortcuts and mess so many things up throughout the process that they end up making things harder on themselves down the line. 

He said the best way to do something fast is to dedicate the time and energy to learn something and to learn it well. And what’s the secret to that? Slowing down and taking your damn time.

Slow isn’t sexy. Slow isn’t cool. But slow is sustainable and it will get you where you want to go. Take the long way. There are no shortcuts.

by Jason Lam

IT'S ALL A LOT COOLER IN MY HEAD

Have you guys ever felt that way? You have a great idea but no matter how hard you try to make it in real life, it never quite meets your expectations. Ira Glass calls this “The Gap”, and Seth Godin calls it “The Dip”. It’s a real thing, and I think it’s important to remember, otherwise we risk quitting too early because it was “not meant to be,” when really, we were exactly where we needed to be. Constantly putting in the work to close that gap every day so that one day, the cool that we envision in our heads is really as cool as we want it to be in real life.

by Jason Lam

PART OF PLAYING IN THE GAME IS GETTING KNOCKED DOWN

Sometimes we forget what we want.

When writer Steven Pressfield struggled with criticism, his friend Tony Keppelman told him, “…be happy. You’re where you wanted to be, aren’t you? So you’re taking a few blows. That’s the price for being in the arena and not on the sidelines. Stop complaining and be grateful.” 

He’s the author of one of my favorite books, The War of Art. I highly recommend it to anyone who struggles with their creative visions from time to time.

by Jason Lam

YOU DON'T HAVE TO UNDERSTAND SOMETHING TO LIKE IT

Something I’ve been noticing and allowing myself to accept.

Often times, I will work on my art and come upon something that I find rather appealing. But it doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t follow any of the rules. In fact, it breaks all of them. But somehow… it still works. I just don’t know how or why.

In my earlier years, if I didn't know why I liked a piece, I would ruin it in my attempts to make it “right”. I would keep changing things until my work aligned with the “rules of photography”. It was a very cerebral way of creating and I usually ended up with mediocre work.

It also wasn’t fun anymore.

So lately, I've been allowing myself the freedom to do what I want. And freedom to like what I make even though it doesn’t make sense.

I've found much more joy in the creative process this way, and I've also come to like my work a lot more as well.

by Jason Lam

DON'T BE TOO PRECIOUS

This is still a hard lesson for me to learn. Don’t be too precious with your work. Regardless of how big or small it is. A mini personal photo project. Or something as huge as a fully fledged business. The most important thing I've learned as an artist is to accept the difference between what you want something to be, and what it actually is. It’s this discrepancy and the unwillingness to accept something for what it is that causes all the unnecessary friction. I can point to many photo projects of mine that struggled with this. Inside the Lion, Street Dance Project, LINES Ballet Training Program. And most recently, my YouTube channel - Barely Evolved Apes - I’m not even sure what it’s for anymore. To help people? Sure. But then I started making random cooking and travel videos. I’m not even sure anymore. But maybe I just need to keep going, embrace it for what it is and see what happens. 

by Jason Lam

THE HUSTLE IS NOT GLAMOROUS

I think there’s a misconception that artists, photographers especially, live this glamorous life. I was surely mistaken when I first pursued photography. I thought it was going to be all lights, camera, action! And when I found out otherwise I became mildly depressed. Quit photography for a while and didn’t really know what to do with myself for quite some time. Until I realized that this is normal. This is the real thing. It’s not like what you see in the magazines. The hustle is not glamorous. And when I came to accept the messiness of it all, I came to accept myself. I was turned off when I felt I had to keep this facade of having it all together when I first started off. I don’t really care anymore. I allow myself to be the broken, confused, messy artist that I am. In fact, I like my photos a little messy and imperfect. It’s more of who I am. And I like being me.

by Jason Lam

IS IT WORTH IT?

The sleepless nights. The long weekends. The moments where you feel like no matter how hard you try, your work just seems to fall flat? The low pay. The failed negotiations. The inability to answer the question “So what do you do?”

Is it worth it?

—

Maybe

You get the freedom, flexibility to do what you want when you want, but you also lose the security. The stable income. The ability to talk to your friends about more or less the same things and be more or less understood.

Is it worth it?

—

Maybe

On the rare occasions. You get paid a ton of money to be doing what you’d essentially do for free. On other occasions, you don’t get paid enough to do what you absolutely hate. “I didn’t spend a decade of my left perfecting my craft to make this bullshit!” You say to yourself.

Is it worth it?

—

Maybe

Other occasions you just so happen to be in downtown and you see people shuffling up and down the sidewalks with their coffees in hand rushing from here to there and you can’t help but think to yourself, “Glad I’m not that guy,” as you cruise on by at your own leisure. You spend as much time as you want at the park soaking up the sunshine. Life is good. But then you can’t afford to pay rent. Let alone a bowl of ramen.

Is it worth it?

—

Maybe

You have a chance to change the world and if you’re really good, maybe end up in the New York Times or at the MoMa or end up being one of the most important figures of your generation. Who cares if you have to go a couple of nights sleeping on your friend's couch? Who cares if you can’t answer the question “So what do you do?” Who cares if your parents think you’re an utter failure. Who cares? Who fucking cares?!

Is it worth it?

by Jason Lam

THE CRIPPLING EFFECTS OF TRYING TO STICK TO ONE "STYLE"

I’ve tried to come up with a distinct photography style for a long time.

I’m 10 years deep now and I’m pretty much giving up on that endeavor.

Why?

Because it’s one of the most crippling things you can do to your creative growth.

Trying to define your “style” is like saying to yourself, "From now on, I will only eat oatmeal for breakfast!" Or, "I will only wear blue jeans for the rest of eternity!"

Really? 

What benefit does this have for you?

And I was actually really good at answering this question: 

• So people know what I stand for!

• So people aren’t confused when they look at my website!

• So it will be easier for potential clients to know exactly what I do!

And that’s great. Especially if you make a hit, like Fleetwood Mac’s 1977 smash hit, "Dreams". Then, by all means, keep playing that song for the rest of your life. After all, it will help keep the lights on at the studio. 

But there’s a difference between marketing yourself as one thing and cornering yourself into just one style for the rest of eternity.

I’m talking about the latter.

I actually think it’s a great idea to market yourself as one thing. After all, in a world that is getting busier and faster and with people’s attention spans being less than that of a goldfish, you better have your hook strong and easy to see otherwise you will be skipped over for someone who does have an easily identifiable style

Some of my favorite artists who have a unique style:

• Peter Lindbergh

• KAWS

• Alfred Hitchcock

Do these people not do other styles? I doubt it. They probably just don’t show it. After all, you don’t want to confuse your potential clients, right? 

I think style eventually presents itself to you. It’s not something you need to force yourself into. It will come. A bit like walking in the sand. You might feel like you’re just walking aimlessly in a vast desert, but if you look back you’ll see that there is, in fact, a path that you’ve created that is unique to you and only you.

Trying to define your style prematurely leads to artistic death. It’s deciding you will only crawl, when you can walk, deciding you will only walk when you can run, deciding you will only run, when you can fly.

I’ve made this mistake more times than I’d like. It’s limiting. It’s also very boring. Can you imagine doing the same thing forever and ever? If you take a look at Picasso’s work, you can see that he changed so much. 

But anyways, let’s talk about why we really care about finding a “style.”

Money.

Ohhhh money. Well, also, branding. Clear branding, which will lead to clients understanding what you do which will lead to money. 

Not knocking it. But I think it’s important to consider the tradeoffs. Because that’s what it is, you're selling a specific style in an exchange for money. Is it worth your creative death for money? Maybe sometimes. But for all of eternity? No. Don’t do it.

What to do?

Meet halfway.

If you hit a style you like, a hit song if you will. Keep it. Sell it. Keep the lights on. Keep the food on the table. Make sure you can shower every night. But secretly on your own time, keep on trucking. Keep growing. Keep exploring. There's a term in finance called diversifying your assets. I guess creatively speaking. We can call this diversifying your creativity. 

That’s what I’m doing nowadays. I hope it works for you too.

by Jason Lam

THE MOST DANGEROUS PHOTO I EVER TOOK

This is it.

It was Chinese New Year in New York City. 2014. I was a student at the International Center of Photography at the time and my final project was to document first-generation Chinese-Americans practicing the ancient art of lion dancing here in America. 

The group I followed was Wan Chi Ming.

This was during the Chinese New Year Parade in Chinatown, Manhattan. It was ice cold, and I had already spent the past 4 months following them every day. This was a project I’ve always wanted to do since graduating from college, and I decided it was now or never. I’d probably regret it if I never allowed myself to pursue this.

Anyways, Wan Chi Ming is always the finale of the parade. And it’s sort of crazy because they actually do two parades at the same time on the same day. One in Manhattan. The other in Brooklyn. Yes, I did wish there was two of me that day so I could’ve documented both events, but alas, I decided to stay in Manhattan.

The finale is the highly anticipated double dragon. That’s right. Not one, but two dragons! They come flying past East Broadway and the people love it. The parade started towards Mott and Canal Street. I was capturing the event from the ground and planned to run up to the roof of their studio when they started to get close to the end. This was my highly anticipated final project of several years after all. I was determined to do the best I can. Plus, just the night before they hung this really beautiful flag outside their building that was now swaying in the wind. I knew it was going to be a great shot.

So everything goes well. I’m zigging and zagging between all the dragons and lions to capture as many different angles as possible. And as they came to about one block of the studio I sprint as fast as I could up to the roof. Their elevator was broken at the time, so naturally, I was huffing and puffing by the time I got up there. 

The thing is, like most New York roofs, there is a big ledge that sort of blocks your view, so I had to climb on top of that in order to get a clear overhead shot. Once on top, I had about a 4-foot ledge I could stand on to try and get THE SHOT.

But as I’m sure most of you must know, you must lean pretty far forward in order to make sure you don’t get your feet in the photo.

Mind you. I’m already standing who knows how many feet above East Broadway and now I’m leaning over with nothing to protect me from a deadly fall. No, there was no guard rail. I’m lucky it didn’t snow that day. I guess my shoes were grippy enough, otherwise, I don’t know what could’ve happened.

Anyways, the double dragons come soaring past East Broadway and the crowd goes wild. The flag isn’t quite flowing the way I want it to though, so I keep leaning and tippy-toeing in order to get the shot I want. I really only had a couple seconds to do this because the dragons weren’t going to be stopping just for me. Nor did they know I had sprinted up to the roof of their studio to do just that. 

Eventually, the wind picked up, laid the flag perfectly parallel to the double dragons and I take as many shots as possible, I get off the ledge as soon as I could and take the biggest sigh of relief. As I run back down the stairs to catch up with the crew I promised myself never to risk my life for a shot like that ever again. When I think back to it, I still get vertigo. It’s a very weird feeling. But it is very scary indeed. Most people say that is one of their favorite shots, and I’m flattered, but in my head, I’m often thinking to myself, “That was kinda stupid”.

I was in my early 20s at the time and sort of young and reckless but nowadays I don’t think it’s worth it at all to risk my life for a shot. Never again. But hey, that’s the story of the most dangerous photo I ever took.

by Jason Lam

MY GREATEST CREATIVITY HACK

Do you ever feel stuck in your creative endeavors? You’ve worked long and hard on a project that means so much to you and you’re so close to finishing but you’ve hit a wall. You’re making changes but it just seems to be making things worst. You’re asking for feedback but nothing seems to help. Worst of all, you can’t even tell what’s good or bad anymore.

This happens to me a lot.

But here’s one thing that I noticed works really well when I hit this brick wall:

Stop working.

Step away. If you’re anything like me. You may have worked on a project for months, maybe even years. And I get it. When I’m so deep into a creative endeavor, the last thing I want to do is step away. After all, I want to finish it and I want to finish it now! I’m so close!

But the problem is the same. I can’t finish it. And I don’t even know if what I’m doing is helping or hurting anymore.

I noticed when I stop working and step away for as long as two weeks and then come back to the work, I am much more capable of identifying the problem areas and fixing it in an instant. It happens fast. I know exactly what I need to do and how I need to do it. 

It sounds kind of odd that I couldn’t figure it out sooner, but it also makes perfect sense.

When I step away, I give my brain a chance to take a breath and reset so when I return, I have a fresh pair of eyes to critique the work without the emotional connection. And as I’m sure you know. Being way too personally connected with a project is one of the biggest obstacles to productivity. It blinds me to my flaws because I want to protect myself. After all, I’ve spent so much time on this project already! It CAN’T be bad!

I still find it difficult to stop working from time to time. I’m a workaholic. I willingly lose sleep on my creative projects. But now that I have over 10+ years of experience under my belt. I’m starting to figure out what works and what doesn’t. And stepping away from my work is really effective in expediting the process.

Now I make sure to step away from my projects. If I can, I ignore it for two weeks. I even forget about it. And when I come back I can usually put the finishing touches without the headache, stress and the sleepless nights. 

It sounds counterintuitive because if you’re not working it sounds like you’re not making progress. But like an athlete, I think it’s important to schedule rest time so our body has a chance to recover. And once we allow ourselves the benefit of taking a break, we can come back that much stronger and capable of doing what needs to be done. 

by Jason Lam

1 SECOND EVERYDAY - 2017

The year I created Barely Evolved Apes.

by Jason Lam