Because without it you would not have learned anything
You cannot learn without failing
The two come hand in hand
Sure, it may be frustrating at times
Annoying
Disappointing
You may have let some people down
You might feel you’ve let yourself down
But you’ve also gathered new information
Which you can use to your advantage
So you can reiterate
And do a better job next time
Thank your failures
Because every time you fail, you learn something
by Jason Lam
I honestly don't really give a crap about posting pretty pictures of me looking stoically out into the landscape during my trip to [insert so-called exotic place here]. What are those people trying to prove anyway? For popularity? Admiration? To create envy? I rarely talk about my travels unless I have to, like right now. Maybe I still have a bitter taste in my mouth after having traveled a good bunch, only to have one of previous girlfriends absolutely hate me for having so much fun ... without her. How selfish of me, right?
The calm before the storm...
Well, now for the sake of preserving harmony, I won't say anything. How about that? I won't tell you about my highs. But I also won't tell you about my lows. I'll just tell you what's safe. Like how I went to do yoga today – no pictures of course, that would be mean. New restaurants? I've tried them all, but you won't know that.
Eventually we'll reach cruising altitude. Not much shutters from the lift off, no more troublesome pre-cautionary requirements. Just cruising, and maybe the subtle hum of time going past, but that'll be all. Then one day, out of the blue, you'll ask, "How come we don't talk anymore?" I'll play it nice, I'll say, "I don't know, I guess that's what happens when people are together for a long time." When what I wanted to say was, "Because I can't tell you anything without you getting pissed off." After a delayed pause, you'll fail to think of a contributing response, and we'll fall silent again. Hmm ... cruising is so nice ... Isn't it?
The explosion.
"Do you love me?" She asks. "I don't know," You reply. Sobbing. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" You think to yourself, should I tell her now? Or later? But fuck it, I can't take it anymore either. "Because you criticize every little thing I say or do."
Shock, met with confusion.
You realize to yourself, that wow … she had no idea. She had no idea what she has been putting you through. She's just being herself.
You start to feel the slight pinch of being mistaken. Because, for all you know, she was doing all these things knowingly, consciously, just like you.
Then you realize ... How stupid of me to actually believe that everybody behaves the same way I do. Too late to abort mission now. You continue.
"I feel like I can't be myself around you. It's like I'm constantly being watched, you're constantly commenting on every little thing I do, and there is always something wrong."
She makes you feel inadequate. The worst pain a man can feel with a woman.
You make her feel unwanted ... But it's her fault, you convince yourself. Accept her criticism as part of the pain that comes with the love? No thanks. I'll just huddle up in my protective shell. She can't hurt what she can't see.
The devastation after the storm.
You can't stay huddled up any longer. Life is calling, and you have to answer. You come out of your shell – this protective alcove you've created for yourself your entire life and you realize you’ve played as much of a part in this mess you created as she did.
Where you went wrong was not going out and living the life that you wanted and doing all the things you ever wished to do. Where you went wrong was deciding to live a lesser version of yourself for the sake of preserving the harmony around you, even if it meant a false perception of harmony.
You said “Sorry,” when you should've said, “So what?” or better yet, “Fuck You.”
You need to stop apologizing for being who you are. You need to ruffle some feathers and you're going to piss some people off. And if your friends and lovers aren’t down with that, then it's on to the next one. Better to live a life with a pack of haters if it means you can find some true lovers.
Forget about cruising. Aim too high. Fall way too low. Instead of saying “Sorry,” say “Fuck you.” Because while pleasing everybody means a life with no haters, it also means a life in which no one loves you. Be yourself. Be more of yourself. Polarize those around you. Make them fight. Piss them off. At least in that way, you know who stands by your side. Because there's nothing more terrifying than a life with a lot of friends without a single clue about whom you can count on.
by Jason Lam
It's easy to remember the “good old days” in hindsight, even if it means missing your crazy ex-girlfriend. Because in hindsight, it feels better to remember how much she loved you, not how much that love was borderline psycho. In hindsight, you'll only remember how she would be the only person to call or text you at the end of the day to say goodnight, which made you feel cared for, loved. But you don't remember how you just wished she would get off your back about all that, "Do we REALLY have to do this EVERY NIGHT?!" In hindsight, you start wondering to yourself whether or not it was a good idea to break up with this crazy girlfriend of yours because now you're alone, unemployed, and all these dating apps don't seem to be working as good as you thought they would.
I recently watched a TED talk about why veterans miss war and find it so difficult to transition back into normal life. The conclusion was that regardless of how dangerous life at war is, you at least know that every single soldier by your side has got your back. In essence, soldiers would rather take a life-threatening situation with brothers they can trust versus an easy life where they have no idea who they can count on. I guess it's the same with crazy ex-girlfriends...
You're in the thick of it and you just can't wait to get out. Then again, when you get out, and there isn't a crazy girlfriend chiming in on every little thing you do, you wonder, is anyone going to chime in? Does anyone even know I exist? All of the sudden, the crazy ex-girlfriend doesn’t seem so bad. Yeah maybe she was a little over the top but at least you knew she loved you. When accustomed with the tumultuous battlefield of such fanatic love, it can be difficult transitioning back to normal life where you're just an average Joe, and most people wouldn’t think to look at you twice. Alienation at its finest.
You miss your crazy ex-girlfriend because at times it was actually worth it. You knew you could call her in the middle of the night, piss drunk, and have a place to stay. And you'd probably get breakfast made for you the next morning. You knew she would always want to have sex with you, and sex with crazy girls will always be the best sex. You knew that if you were stranded on an island, she'd probably come out and save you. Yeah, you'll have to deal with her jealousy, provide her with all your undying attention, etc., but in times like those, she didn't seem too bad ... in hindsight.
Having been so used to someone who was so crazy in love with you, when you’re finally given the chance to be alone, your own person, it is terrifying. Add on to that, your new potential girlfriends couldn't give two fucks about what you do, or whether or not you called or responded to her text messages. Actually, nobody seems to care enough about you all of the sudden. No overly tight hugs, no enthusiastic "I love you,” no gut-wrenching laughing spells, no highs, no lows, just a smooth ride – maybe a little too smooth.
But that's what you wanted all along, isn't it? No, what you wanted was the good without the bad, as we all do. Then again you've matured since then, and realized there's no such thing as highs without lows. No such thing as a lover without some cons to their pros. Which is why in hindsight, your crazy ex-girlfriend doesn't seem so crazy after all, and maybe the highs were worth the lows.
But who are you kidding? You don’t actually miss the craziness. You don’t miss her at all. What you miss is the feeling of being loved, the connection, the passion, the reassurance, the acknowledgement that you exist, and that someone out here in this chaotic world cares about you. Somebody that loves you more than you love yourself – now who wouldn’t miss that?
You've come too far. You've felt the highs and though you hated the lows, it's too late to settle for someone who doesn't suffocate you with their love. Funny thing is, all men will say their girlfriends are crazy if they manage to stay with them long enough. But that's probably a good thing. We honestly wouldn't feel right if you weren't crazy at least some of the time.
Still, who are you to think that you don't have a couple issues yourself? That your “crazy” ex-girlfriend didn't feel the same about you? If “In hindsight, everything is 20/20,” maybe you’ll start realizing that at the end of the day, you were the crazy one. Then again, you're not crazy if you find someone else to be crazy with.*
It’s time to find yourself another crazy girlfriend.
by Jason Lam
Groucho Marx once said, "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."
What he means: As you are well aware of your flaws and weaknesses, you refuse to join a club that accepts an imperfect person such as yourself. They are just as inferior as you are and unworthy of your membership.
What does this have to do with love?
We fall in love because it allows us to escape from the reality of our imperfect selves with someone who is, at least in our minds, perfect. When we fall in love, we place this person on a pedestal and idolize them because we believe they are better than us. Loving this person gives you hope that their perfection will make up for your weaknesses... laziness, fear, dishonesty, lack of courage, and all the other disgusting things you fill your life with. Because you can't find perfection in yourself, you find it in someone else and it is comforting to know that there is a chance that by being together, you will be perfect, too.
Most of the times, the people you love don't love you back. Sure, you'll be sad and upset, but you'll move on because you've loved many people that didn't love you back before. However once in a blue moon, you find a person that says the words, "I love you, too." That's when you stop loving them.
Why?
In the simplest terms, their act of returning love lowers their status down to yours and unlike them, you are not perfect. You are full of defects. If they return the love, that means they too, must be imperfect, full of defects, and as inferior as you are. Are they really just as broken, confused, and insecure as I am? I was hoping to escape when I fell in love, but instead, I just found a duplicate of my shitty self. There must have been a mistake...
No longer interested. Next.
You don't fall in love with people who are of the same level as you. They don't elicit any sense of awe or wonder. When you see or think of them, you're just reminded of your own mediocre strengths and inadequacies. Ugh.
You definitely don't fall in love with the people whom you feel are inferior to you. Why would you? He's short, average looking at best, and overweight. No thank you.
You always fall in love with people that are better than you though. Upgrade!
"I love you, too."
"Wait... Am I even worthy of an upgrade?" "What's wrong with this person?" I don't love anyone who is inferior and imperfect, why would they love me? It doesn't work, it doesn't make sense, and because you don't believe it to be a possibility when love is returned, you reject it.
You reject it like you've been rejecting yourself. You don't deserve it. You're not worthy.
Or are you?
At the end of the day, the people you love are normal at best. They're like everybody else. Human beings. It is your love that places them on a pedestal, which perpetuates your feelings of unworthiness.
I actually think this is quite unfair because those who return your love should not be rejected due to your own lack of self-confidence. As if there is a set criterion you must first achieve before anyone can love you.
Do not fall prey to our own psychological hiccups. In order to be loved, you must first love yourself.
You have flaws, and so do I.
by Jason Lam
I think I'm afraid of commitment because I find comfort in knowing that I can escape.
I'm afraid of committing to serious relationships, signing apartment leases, and accepting job offers because that means parting ways with the escape plans that I've gotten so used to having, even if I rarely ever use them. I guess it's the same reason why cruise ships have lifeboats, why iPhones have the emergency call button, and why fighter jets have ejection seats. Just "in case of emergency," it's our plan B, C, D, and all the way to Z. We don't ever want to use it, but we find comfort in knowing that it's there if we need it.
However, as good of an idea it is to have an escape plan, I've discovered they can actually hold us back from making real progress. Contrary to popular belief, it may actually be beneficial to not have it as an option at all. In the book, Art of War, by Sun Tzu, one key tactic to ensure the likelihood of winning a battle, is to "put the army in the face of death where there is no escape, and they will not flee or be afraid. There is nothing they cannot achieve." In situations where death is imminent, and conflict is absolutely necessary, soldiers are forced to fight with their all, which increases their chances of surviving and winning.
When we know that there is no escape, we become fearless and fight with all our will, raising our chances of gaining maximum progress. But when we act knowing that there are other options, we hold back and keep energy on reserve in case we decide to change our minds. Though this may be a practical evolutionary trait, it often hinders our attempts at making any real progress.
Examples:
I'm not sure how serious I am about this relationship, so I err on the side of caution and don't invest myself in it too much. As a result, the relationship isn't as good as it could be and we break up in the end.
I'm not sure how serious I am about signing a new lease for this New York City apartment, so I only sublet for the convenience. As a result, I end up lowering my investment in actually “spreading my roots” here in NYC.
I'm not sure how serious I am about this new job that I'm taking so I don't try too hard and don't meet many people in the industry. As a result, I don't learn as much, I am not as established, my network is limited, and so I end up switching jobs anyway because it "just wasn't right for me."
Was it really not right for you? Or did you just never give it a chance because you were afraid to commit?
As much as this is about escape plans, it is also about commitment. The best escape plans are the ones that you never intend on using. Better yet, you forget about them. You get married, but forget about divorce. You sign a new apartment lease, but forget about being able to opt out. You accept a new job, but forget about the options of quitting or changing careers. The less you rely on your emergency escape plan, the more committed you become in your endeavors.
I'm not advocating ridding ourselves of escape plans; I'm just advocating a slight shift in how we view them. I definitely wouldn't want to board a plane without emergency exits. I also don't want to accept a job offer or sign an apartment lease if it means being stuck for life. This is about focus, and mental power. The more we keep other options in mind, the less capable we are of working hard, hindering ourselves in ventures we're already invested in.
I'm turning 26 in less than a week and I'm getting the feeling that if I actually committed myself to NYC when I first moved here, I'd be in a much better professional situation than I am now… but I was afraid. I held onto my escape plans – my blueprints – for dear life. Instead of having both hands on the steering wheel, I had one on the emergency brakes. I keep telling myself, "I'm still young, I'm not sure yet, but that's alright, I still have time"... but now I'm getting closer to the realization that I’ll never be sure. The only people who are sure are those who could not afford being unsure any longer.
You'll never know for sure. You'll never know if this is the right path, or if this won't lead to absolute oblivion, but one thing is for sure, you will get nowhere fast if all you ever do is sound the alarm when you're in an emergency. Stop. Breathe, and I guess as the British government said in preparation for World War II back in 1939… "Keep calm and carry on."
by Jason Lam
