I THINK I'M JUST LONELY

End of a chapter.

4 years and 500 photos later, it’s time to end my photo series: @ithinkimjustlonely.

It’s not that I’m no longer lonely. Or that I no longer feel feelings of emptiness at times. But I feel it’s time to move on.

I created this series during a time of struggle. It was during a time when I felt all wasn’t going right. I couldn’t land a secure job. All my attempts at becoming a photographer seemed to fail. I didn’t feel supported by my family. I didn’t feel understood by my peers.

Still, I didn’t know that loneliness had become a real problem in my life until I took a real look at the photos that I was taking on my 35mm point and shoot camera. It was an Olympus Stylus Epic given to me by my colleague, which was given to him by his grandmother. I often used this camera for personal work. My non-professional stuff. So naturally, I didn’t think as much when taking these photos, I just captured what I captured.

As I began diving deeper into what was wrong with me, I also began compiling more of these photos. These pictures were telling me something. They were deeper looks into parts of myself that even I, myself, was too afraid to acknowledge. Until, one day, I thought to myself, I think I’m just lonely.

Which made sense, to be quite honest. I really was lonely. Unfortunately, I didn’t really know who to turn to. In many ways, I felt ashamed. And I guess, in a way, I was in denial.

Why? After all, should someone like me feel so damn sorry for himself? Suck it up! Deal with it! I’d think to myself. And I tried. But loneliness is not something you can just ignore. No matter how many different ways I tried to distract myself, the feeling of emptiness always remained. It eats you up from the inside out. Affecting any and all things in your life. So much to the point where you can’t even enjoy your food, and you don’t even want to hang out with your friends. You just feel like doing absolutely nothing.

I thought the only way to alleviate the pain would be to face it forthrightly.

So I named the series @ithinkimjustlonely.

At first thought, many people questioned me. What the hell? They’d say. Many people wondered why I’d choose a name like that. Others laughed as if it was a joke. But I stuck to it because I felt like at this point, there was no other way to move forth but to admit to the reality of the situation.

Even though I felt self-conscious about it for the first few years, I began to realize the benefits of having this series. To me, it almost felt like a container. A designated place where you could go to come to terms with your emotions. After all, we have wastebaskets for our garbage, we have gyms where we can go and work out, we even have night clubs for people to go and party. But where do we go when we feel sad? For me, this series became that place that I could run to.

As I continued, I started to recognize that perhaps beyond its benefits for me, it could stand for something more. On the rare occasions where I could have deeper talks with my friends, I noticed that they, too, suffered from loneliness, anxiety, even depression. So this series began to symbolize not just my inner struggles with loneliness, but as an entire project dedicated to exploring these oft never talked about feelings, but nevertheless real, and hopefully, to make others feel like they are a little less alone as well.

So I continued.

Now, I’ve gotten to the point where I feel I must move on. As artists, we create things often because there is something we have to say, or there are feelings that we must put somewhere. In many ways, art is therapy. In my case, photography became my therapy. It gave me an outlet. It forced me to look at the reality of my situation and to come to terms with it all. I needed this project to exist. It has helped me move forward in life regardless of the pain that I feel.

The reason I feel it’s time to move on is because even though I still struggle with feelings of loneliness, I’ve also grown so much throughout the years. I’ve become a different person. I’ve also learned different ways of coping with my darker emotions. And so, if I am to continue working on this series, in a way, I’d be holding myself back. Because to continue this series, would be to continue identifying with these feelings. As much as the series has helped me when I first began, it almost feels like a weight holding me back at this point. I’m thankful for its existence. I’m grateful for all it has done for me. Though, I must move on if I am to continue growing into the man that I was meant to be. And that means having the courage to let go.

So this is the end. I hope that by being a part of this series, you were able to gain something from it as well. I hope it made you feel less alone. I hope you feel less ashamed of your darker emotions. And I hope it helped you get out of bed and move through another day.

It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to feel lonely at times. It’s also okay to open up. It’s okay to let yourself feel those emotions. It’s also okay to let others in on the pain you are feeling. You are never truly alone.

I don’t know what the future brings. But I know that it’s just time to let go.

So, I guess this is goodbye, for now.

by Jason Lam

EMBRACE YOUR BROKENNESS

You might not be able to find the root cause of your problems. You might not be able to find a good reason as to why you’ve had troubles with your family, your career, your love life. Then again, that doesn’t mean you can’t still find ways to get better. I think there is a danger in having to find the answers to every budding problem before taking action. Almost as if because you can’t find a reason why you’re here, it’s then used as an excuse to do nothing until you’ve “figured it out”. Aka procrastination. The reality is if you’ve waited until you know everything, you’ve probably waited too long, and regardless of how much you know, you will never know enough. We’re going to have to keep taking hits along this journey we call life and accept that there are some things that will never stop hurting. Get going. We’re all broken.

by Jason Lam

PEOPLE WATCHING

The joy of people watching

What is it?

Is it because we’re all stalkers and creepers and staring at people is just a favorite past time?

I don’t think so

I think maybe even the word people watching is not accurate enough

I think maybe it should be called

Witnessing life

Experiencing humanity

Watching in awe of this thing we call living

Maybe that’s a bit more accurate

Because I think that’s what we are doing when we are people watching

It’s not because we are bored

Or that we lust for entertainment

It’s because we like being surrounded by others who are like us

Living

Breathing

And witnessing how others have come to live this finite life

To watch in awe

At how others have figured out this never-ending puzzle

And to experience maybe through them

How we could do the same

People watching

by Jason Lam

LISTEN TO WHAT YOU SAY

Listen to what you say. 

Particularly when you are talking about yourself. 

Particularly when you are talking with somebody new. 

At that moment, you are a blank canvas. They know nothing about you, except for what you tell them. 

In moments like these, we may find that we will surprise ourselves. How we tend to repeat the same stories. The same insecurities. The same self-doubts and fears. 

For example, I tend to talk myself down. I’ll say how dance was just this thing I did a while back and I was never that good. Or I’ll talk about how I don’t have a nice sounding voice. I might even make a self-deprecating joke.

In actuality, the person I’m talking to may not have been thinking any of these things. They may have just wanted to briefly talk about dance. Maybe they didn’t even say anything about voices, let alone plan on making me the butt end of a joke. I painted those insecurities onto the blank canvas, and I keep those insecurities there, by repeating it to others whenever I meet someone new. 

Could it be that some of these insecurities aren’t necessarily true? 

When meeting new people and visiting new places, you get to see, with greater precision, what you are bringing with you, versus what you may feel is being projected onto you by other people.

We carry a lot of our own baggage, knowingly or not.

Listening to what you say, I guess, is the equivalent of taking a good look at all the things we carry. And if you truly begin to listen, you then become careful about what you say. Because the words you emit from your soul create realities in your world that then begin to repeat themselves back to you whether you like it or not.

Maybe stop talking down on yourself. Maybe stop carrying those insecurities. Maybe meet someone new, and for once, don’t paint that blank canvas with all that’s wrong, instead, all that continues to be right.

by Jason Lam

LONG STAIRCASES

I’m happy to say that I’ve come to be the type of person that isn’t too afraid of failure. That is to say, I still feel fear, but it doesn’t paralyze me. Because as I’ve experienced in trying anything new, the worst that can happen is somebody says no and maybe you’re a little bit embarrassed. But to be honest, people really don’t care that much. 

I think the major fear of failure and rejection comes from the idea that if you were to say, pursue your passion for singing, business, or cooking, and if you sucked at it (as all beginners do), you’d fall into the depths of hell (of your own creation) and you would never be able to crawl back out. 

I’m sure it can often feel that way, but it’s not true. 

I find it helpful to think of progress and setbacks as a long staircase.

If you’ve reached a certain point in your life where you feel comfortable. Then where you are is on a really long step in a much larger staircase. You can more or less walk comfortably on this one step because you’ve come up with the skill and confidence necessary to do so. 

However, if you were to try to take on an additional skill or pursue a larger passion, that would be an additional step up your staircase, which would require additional effort, and you might fail the first few times.

Now, what happens if you fail? 

Here’s the thing, you don’t fall all the way down to the very bottom of the staircase. You just fall back down to the last step you were on. In most cases, you fall back down to where you always were. Where you started. 

If we zoom out and look at things this way, it takes the drama and theatrics of failing out of the picture. It makes failure not so half bad. You don’t lose anything. You just fail to gain that extra step. At least, momentarily. 

So, long staircases.

Is there something you’ve been wanting to do? Go ahead and do it. If you fail. You end up back where you are right now anyway. So what’s the point in not trying?

by Jason Lam

STAY INSIDE YOUR AUTHENTICITY

If you didn’t know, I take voice lessons sometimes. My teacher’s name is Lea Centauri and she’s amazing. Originally from Long Island, she sang in Paris for nine years and Istanbul for one. She plays the piano, writes her own music and even studied with the great Judy Davis. Now she’s here, in San Francisco, and I’m glad I found her. 

I don’t take classes often. In fact, I only recently started again after being away from her for 2 years. This past week, I was out of town so I missed her class, and of course, this odd rattling has developed in my voice, affecting the quality of my sound. 

She was stern with me about missing class. Not mean. Not angry. But stern. She told me that if I have a gift, I need to do what I can to keep it. Because if you don’t use it. You will lose it. And you don’t want to do that. You want to take it with you. Because we as human beings, we walk towards things. Walk towards your gifts. Work on them. Allow them to stay in your life.

We sing because we need an outlet. We have to have somewhere to go. So let yourself go there.

Feel the vibration reverberate from your lungs as you tell your story.

Keep it with you. Don’t lose it. 

Allow yourself to stay inside your authenticity.

by Jason Lam

WHY CLEANING YOUR ROOM CAN BENEFIT YOUR LIFE

Cleaning your room can benefit your life. It sounds so simple, it even sounds stupid. Why clean your room? It’s not like it’s for anyone else to see. You might think, “This is my room! So I can be as messy as I want.” But I believe it’s not the final state of having a clean room that is beneficial, more so, it’s the act of doing the cleaning yourself that can make a profound difference in your life.

When you clean your room with your own two hands and feet, as meaningless as it might feel, you are practicing your ability to restore order in the tangible world, your world. You are proving to yourself, with every dirty sock that you pick up, every dust bunny that you wipe away, and every piece of garbage that you toss, that things can get out of wack in your life, but you still have it in you to rise up and deal with the matter at hand. 

You might think that cleaning your room is the least of your worries, but the practice of restoring order, and being functional in an imperfect world, can trickle down into other aspects of your life. For example, after cleaning your living space, you may finally feel the motivation to get your finances in order. With a clean room, you might find you have also cleansed your mind and rid yourself of old habits that no longer serve you. You may finally have the energy to strengthen your relationships with your family and friends, maybe even your relationship with yourself.

As you practice tending to your own room, you create a space that you do not just live in, but one that is deserving of your being and who you are to become. You train yourself to become the type of person who can then face bigger, larger, sometimes even, horrific things that may happen in your life. A death in the family. A fatal illness. A financial crisis. I’m being a little extreme here, but only as a way to prove the point.

The world can be so chaotic. Life events can be so random. So many events that happen in life can be so unexplainable and unfair. But if you can clean up your room. If you can practice becoming the person that can rise up despite the chaos in your life on a daily basis, then at the very least you can still make things bearable, and at the very best, you can have the life you’ve always dreamt of living. Who knows, you might even get to a point where you can help others by telling them to do something as meaningless as cleaning up their room.

Change your life by cleaning your room.

And yes, this post was inspired by Jordan Peterson, but also by Marie Kondo, the OG.

by Jason Lam

RECURRING PROBLEMS

I have a theory, and here it is:

Life will keep repeating itself until you’ve learned your lesson. 

So if you’re a perfectionist and you always seem to lose everything in your attempts to have everything, you will keep losing everything until you’ve learned the lesson that it’s ok to have a little bit, instead of constantly being unhappy that you don’t have it all. 

I can keep listing other examples but this seems to be the main lesson that’s been repeating itself in my life throughout the past decade. Through some combination of perfectionism, lack of patience and discipline, I’ve gotten myself into this cycle of having, and having not, then scratching my head wondering where it all went wrong when I know full well how it all went wrong. 

But that’s my theory. I don’t know if it’s true. It has no scientific backing, and I’m not qualified to speak on legitimate life theories, but I always believe it helps to be able to pinpoint a problem before you can address it and potentially make your life better. 

Having said that, what life scenarios see to be repeating in your life? And could it be that they are repeating themselves because you’ve yet to learn the lesson they have to teach you?

by Jason Lam

ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE SEEN

If you don’t allow yourself to be seen, nobody gets to judge you. The lack of sight presumes the lack of existence. And if you do not exist, nor do your flaws. What a great place to be. That is, until the flaws that you purposely neglect begin to eat you alive. 

You have to let yourself be seen. Imperfections and all. So you can acknowledge the parts of your life that are extremely lacking. At least, by doing that, you have a fighting chance at making things better, or at a bare minimum, a little less worse than things need to be. 

And hopefully, by doing so, you can actually get better. Despite your long run of misses and failures. You could get better. Despite your imperfections and desire to hide. You could gain momentum, no matter how slowly, and begin to carve out the life you want to live.

But that requires you to be honest. That requires you to be truthful. That requires you to take responsibility for your life. That requires you to allow yourself to be seen, even if the only person looking is yourself.

by Jason Lam

YOU GET WHAT YOU FOCUS ON

The mind is a peculiar thing

You don’t just see what’s in front of you

You see what you choose to focus on

Your aim

What are you focusing on? 

Is it taking you where you want to go? 

Or does it fill you with pain and conflict?

Take it a step further

Does your focus make your life better?

Or does it make it worse? 

If your focus makes your life worse, then why do you continue?

To improve our lives we must improve our minds

To improve our minds we must improve our focus

You get what you focus on, so maybe focus on the things that make your life better

by Jason Lam

WHY I RUN

I run because it reminds me that I am capable of putting one foot in front of the other and make forward progress. I might not run very fast, and I often need a break here or there, but it means something for me to show up at the track every week and put my laps in.

Afterward, my legs are a little sore, and I’m usually thirsting for water. I might not have changed the world. I think the actual track athletes might have even gotten in a few laughs at my poor technique. But I do it as a reminder to myself. I can put one foot in front of the other. If I can do that. I can do anything.

What do you do to remind yourself that you are capable?

by Jason Lam

LET DEATH BE YOUR STANDARD

If you were to die tomorrow, would you be okay with staying silent when you could’ve spoken up?

by Jason Lam

MAYBE DON'T ATTRIBUTE IT TO LUCK

Your success. The fact that you do good work. The fact that people actually like you. Maybe don’t attribute it to luck. Attribute it to the fact that you’ve dedicated your life to your craft. To yourself. To being a good person, a person of standard, a person that people can count on, a person that others look up to because your fucking good at what you do.

I try to stay humble. I give luck a lot of credit. Almost too much. For my failings. Particularly my successes. After all, the random chaos of the world plays a large part in how our lives turn out whether we’d like to acknowledge it or not. 

Luck is a real thing. You don't get rewarded for doing the right things at the wrong time. You could do everything right and still fail. You could do everything wrong and still succeed.

Still, I think there comes a point in your life where you must be able to stand up tall and be proud of not only what you've achieved, but also of what you know you will continue doing. I need to be proud of what I've achieved. I need to be proud of what I know is within my realm of capabilities. I need to be proud not just of my work as an artist, but also as a human being, as a friend, as a son, as a lover. 

Maybe don't attribute your positive qualities so much to luck. Give yourself a little more credit for the work that you put in day in and day out to be the strong, wise, calm, patient, being that you’ve forged yourself into being despite the uncontrollable chaos in the world. Attribute it to your hard work. Your vision. Your purpose. Your discipline. And your confidence to keep going despite being surrounded by those who insist on taking you down.

Don't attribute it to luck. Give credit where credit is due. Attribute it to hard fucking work.

by Jason Lam

ABOUT MY NEW OBSESSION WITH PLANTS

If you didn’t know. I’ve been obsessed with plants lately. I went over to my friend's house two months ago (they recently moved up from LA) and their house was filled with plants. I thought it was the weirdest thing ever. My friend was also in the middle of “propagating” a plant that day (I didn’t know what that meant at the moment), but he dropped the plant and he freaked out. I honestly didn’t know what the big deal was. “You guys are weird,” I said. And they just laughed. Probably because they knew that eventually, I would be just as obsessed as they were, and this would all make sense sooner than later.

Long story short, just a month later, I have 25+ plants in my room and I’m obsessed with them. I frequent plant shops now, and I know all the best shops in San Francisco. Whether you’re looking for pots, plants, or soil, I know them all. I also know a guy who’s got the hookup for super rare plants if you’re ever on the hunt for, say, a Monstera Thai Constellation. 

But what’s the big deal? Why plants?

I’ve only recently come to realize that I’ve always been around plants. Growing up, my parents always brought me to Home Depot to go plant shopping and I saw my mom working in the garden every week. When I finally got my drivers license at the age of 16, she always asked me to drive her to the plant shops and I’d get so annoyed and frustrated and just say a hard, “No!” (I’m such a bad kid). So I guess in a way, this was all destined to happen. It’s just funny that it’s happening now. 

A little back story.

I’ve noticed in myself that whenever I’m going through a big change in my life, I will go about rearranging my room. And yes, I did this before Marie Kondo came onto the scene. Going through my things and donating large garbage bags of random items to Goodwill was a regular thing for me. Running back and forth from IKEA and measuring all the furniture to make sure everything fit just right wasn’t foreign. I’m a bit OCD when it comes to my room arrangement because I know how sensitive I am to my environment. And granted, since I can only afford to live in this tiny room in the San Francisco Bay, I seek to make the most of it. 

(I probably also get this from my parents, when my college sweetheart and I broke up, my mom asked if it happened before or after I rearranged my furniture - Feng Shui).

Most recently, I’ve repainted my walls white. Before that, my walls were a dark blue. It suited the “dark ages” of my life as I’d like to call it. That was when I was heavy into my series “I think I’m just lonely,” and in the beginning phases of doing black and white video. 

But the past few months I’ve been feeling a change. I don’t know what it is, but I’ve started to spend more time with my friends. A different group of friends. Ones that I feel love and accept me for who I am. Ones that I feel energize me, instead of drain me when I’m with them. I look forward to seeing them. And they look forward to seeing me. In addition to a resurged social life. I’ve also changed my mindset on art, on money, on my career, and myself.

Before, I felt like I had to make money as a full-time artist in order to actually call myself an artist. I don’t do that anymore. I’ve built up a strong enough portfolio to the point where I know, from this point on, whatever happens, I can call myself an artist and have the work to back it up. I can say that with confidence. And that means something. 

Back then, I hated money. I thought it was the root of all evil. But now I see it as a tool to get me where I need to go. There are real money problems in the world. And in order to live the life I want to live and create the change I want to see in the world, I must have money working in my favor. I never actually wanted to make much money because I felt I would become a rich asshole as a result. I’ve rehabbed my relationship with money now, as weird as it sounds. I could probably still be better at it, but we’re good now.

Turning 30 does things to you. It makes you think. Think about things you normally wouldn’t think about, or to put it another way, it makes you think about things that you’ve thought about briefly in the past but now with a little more weight. You feel your mortality a little more. You feel the passage of time more. The wrinkles on your face grow a little deeper. And for the life of you, you’ve got to face the fact that if you’re going to make some real changes in your life, you’ve got to do it now. 

I want to accept myself for who I am. 

I admit. I’m weird. I’m not your typical kid who grew up in the sunset district. I left San Francisco as soon as I could when I got into UCLA for college. I forced my way into the film program and was the only Asian-American man trying to create stories regarding our identity. I moved abroad as soon as I finished college. And soon as that was over, I went out to NYC because I wanted nothing to do with my hometown. For a long time, the place made me sick. For some reason, it represented lackluster, old, thoughts, ideas, and identities that I wanted to get as far away from as possible.

But I ended up back here. With my parents. With no dollar signs to show for it and just a bunch of artwork that wasn’t generating any sort of income. I kept trying. But things weren’t looking up. Eventually, this past year, I got a 9-5 job. It’s definitely the most uneventful job I’ve ever had. But I also notice the benefits of having the stability of knowing exactly what’s going to happen Monday - Friday, 365 days of the year. I’m no longer stressing about my next paycheck. No longer putting all my weight and success on this next project I’m working on. No longer over identifying myself with my art. And acknowledging the fact that it’s ok to not make money as an artist. It’s ok to do things for money. It’s okay to take a step back and take care of myself, for once.

So, plants.

You might think plants are a lot of work. After all, you gotta water them. They need the proper amount of sunlight. What if they die? Doesn’t it attract bugs and spiders and stuff? None of these things are wrong. They are all things you have to think about when you decide to introduce plants into your life. But one other thing that you also introduce with all those tangibles is the concept of care. More so, the concept of how taking care of plants reminds you of how to take care of yourself. 

You might think to yourself. Wait, if you want to take care of yourself. Why don’t you just take care of yourself? Good question. And it makes me think of the few times when I had to take care of my parent's cats and dogs. For any of you who have ever owned a pet, you know that you need to be on a pretty strict schedule. Take the dogs out for a walk every 3-4 hours. Feed the cat every morning. Change out the litter box once a week. Or to put it simply, you’re placed on a schedule, and the livelihood of these beings are your responsibility. If they fail, you failed.

Not unlike plants, if they die, it’s because of something you did or did not do. So, plants, at least their role in my life right now, is sort of like a mirror. And sort of like practice. By being mindful of what the plants need — the care, attention, and love — I get to go through the motions of helping something thrive. And by going through those motions I also get to mirror those same motions in my life. Seeing how much “light” I also need, how much “water”, how much “love” or sometimes, just how much “alone time” because, yes, plants, too, can die if you smother them too much with your love. 

I find the regular sight of just seeing my plants thriving makes me happy because it’s also a reminder that I am capable of not just taking care of others, but I can also take care of myself. It’s almost as if, without these outside signifiers of what you’re capable of, you, yourself, can forget that you are capable of creating those same positive changes in your life. After all, we are our own worst critics, so maybe it’s a bit beneficial to have something outside of us to remind us that despite it all, and our past, and our traumas, and fears, we’re still capable of helping something thrive. In this case, plants. In this case, ourselves.

So, long story, I know. Plants?? Of all things? I know. But I suggest you try it. If there’s something you’re going through. That’s right. Become responsible for something. Because it places you on a schedule. And it holds you accountable. And it forces you to do things that you might not normally do, like care for something and help for something thrive. Whether we like to admit it or not, we all play a role in our own demise. So maybe it’s also a good idea for us to remind ourselves that we could also play a role in our own success. For you, it might not be plants. It could be a dog or a cat. It could be taking on a new hobby. A new skill. Anything, really, to remind yourself that you are capable. And regardless of all the trials and tribulations that you’ve been through, you are still capable of living the life you want to live. Just one step at a time. Or in my case, one plant at a time. I wish you all the best.

by Jason Lam

WILLY WONKA MIGHT JUST BE RIGHT

"Want to change the world? There's nothing to it"
- Willy Wonka

Sometimes I think the “secret to success” is to not know that something is difficult. Ask anyone if changing the world for the better is difficult and most people will say yes. But what if you didn’t know it was difficult? Willy Wonka might just be right.

by Jason Lam

COMING INTO FORMATION

Just the other day, rapper Bas, just dropped his new single “Fried Rice” using my photo. Granted, they put their own artistic spin on it to have his name on the take out box. No matter. I was hyped and today I wake up realizing how all the random things in my life are coming into formation. From being a confused kid studying screenwriting in film school. To traveling abroad to studying Chinese in Taiwan and deciding to pursue photography in NYC. To getting burnt out and moving back home with my parents and pursuing my personal projects, my style, to Barely Evolved Apes, to feeling lost again and having to find faith in myself again. In me, my signature, and being able to finally look at it all and realize, hey, I’m actually coming into myself. All these random things in my life. The detours. The conversations. The rejections. The ignored messages. They all worked to get me where I am today. And I’m excited. I can only see the vague silhouette of where I’m going to be, but I see it in the distance now, and it’s greater than anything I could’ve ever imagined. 

Here’s the original photo, from my series, “Welcome Home”:

by Jason Lam

LIFE LESSON FROM MOVIE CRITICS

Back when I was in film school we often had to put our little films up on the big screen for all to see, and for all to critique.

The problem with most criticism is it’s often given based on the movie others want to see, not necessarily based on the message you want to convey.

Good criticism takes into consideration where you are in your life and what you’re trying to achieve.

We’re all writing our own life stories and taking feedback along the way.

Make sure you’re selective about who you take criticism from.

Most people are just out to craft your story so that it fits neatly into theirs.

Listen to those who take your unique situation into consideration and ignore the rest.

Make your own movie.

by Jason Lam

THE END OF THE RAINBOW

If there’s something you want to do, you’ve got to at least give yourself a shot and try to get to the end of the rainbow. You might find that after reaching the end of the rainbow it’s not what you thought it was going to be. You might find that it’s not what you expected. That in fact, what you found at the end of the rainbow is actually, just so-so compared to what you had in mind and all the stories you've heard. But at least you went out and found out for yourself. At least you gave yourself a shot. At least you tried. The last thing you want to do is to be lying on your death bed wondering, “What if?”. When you ask yourself that question you riddle yourself with all these delusional thoughts of, “If only I did 'x,' I’d be so much better off”. But how do you know that for sure? You don’t know that. It’s all in your head. A figment of your imagination. But if you give yourself a shot at going down that road, you get to find out for yourself. Yeah, it might not be exactly what you wanted it to be, and so damn, you lose. Guess you gotta find something else then. But at least you save yourself from ever having to wonder, "What if?". At the same time, it might actually be exactly what you thought it would be. It might even be better than what you could've ever imagined! So either way, you win! Whether it meets your expectations or not. You win. You don’t have to ask yourself "What if?". You don’t have to have regrets. Every mountain, you’ve climbed. Every rock, you’ve turned. Every idea you’ve had, you’ve pursued. So if you see a rainbow in your life's sky, go ahead and do yourself a favor. Get to the very end of the rainbow and find out for yourself if you really do want that pot of gold.

by Jason Lam

LITTLE DECISIONS, BIG RESULTS

I think it’s a mistake to think that in order to make big changes in your life, you need to make big decisions. I want to change my life for the better! So I’m going to buy a one-way ticket abroad and never come back! You can’t fire me! I quit! Fuck it! Yolo!

Why does everything have to be so dramatic?

I get it. Why shouldn’t it be dramatic? You really think that I can change my life just by taking tiny steps here and there? That’s not what they show in the movies. That’s not what they talk about on all the inspirational videos I’ve watched. I need to take the leap! I need to go all in! I need to hustle!

To be honest, those things do work, but I just want to say that that’s not the only way.

I started changing my life by doing very little things every day. Making my bed. Writing in my journal (3 pages minimum). Counting my blessings (10 every morning) and sticking to a workout schedule that’s very basic and ordinary.

None of these things will win me cool points on instagram. None of these things will garner oohs and ahh when I share it with my friends. It’s so simple and boring that it’s almost as if I’m not doing anything. But that’s a perception I think holds more people back than it helps them move forward.

Human beings are very visual creatures. If I can’t see my muscles grow bigger. If I can’t see my bank account going sky high, I’ll start to think that whatever it is that I’m doing is not working. But let’s also think about all these other things that affect our lives that we can’t necessarily see. Like the effects of being surrounded by people who love and support you. The effect the weather has on you. Or the slow effects of time and how we all grow old. We can’t see any of these things, but they happen. Does it have to be that in order for us to make progress in life, it needs to be immediately “see-able”?

I think we’d all benefit if we can embrace the idea of little decisions, big results. Like driving a car on the highway, you only have to turn the steering wheel ever so slightly to completely change the direction you’re going. Is life really that different? Sure, we’re not moving at 75 miles per hour so it’s harder to see, but we are moving forward nonetheless, and yes, the little tiny decisions you make every day changes the course of your life over the span of a lifetime.

You might not think that journaling every morning can do much. Counting your blessings. Sticking to a simple workout routine. Making your bed! How can that do anything? C’mon man, I need the quick dramatic hit! I need to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on a life coach! I need a complete overhaul!

Do you?

Or do you maybe just need to evolve a little bit every day? Could it be that tiny steps over a span of a lifetime can take you exactly where you need to go? That progress need not be dramatic? That progress need not even be see-able? Do we really need our friends to see our progress on social media in order for us to want to continue on with it?

Speaking from personal experience, these little things that I do every day has changed my life. I’ve become a happier person. I’ve also become a better person to be around. Before I made these little changes, I was in a very dark place and I was not a fun person to be around.

But then I started waking up a little earlier every morning. I started accepting that a boring workout routine is better than none at all. I started journaling. I started acknowledging how my own thoughts and perception of life was what was holding me back. I admitted to my own faults and started making tiny little decisions to steer myself back towards the direction I want to go.

The direction I want to go is a life full of love, fun, and excitement. I want to live every day knowing that I am growing, challenging myself in meaningful ways, and progressing in every way possible. I also want to share everything I learn with others in the hopes that it helps you too. Only, I’ve come to find that big changes like these don’t have to come with big actions.

If you’re feeling like you’ve stalled in life and you need to get back into alignment with yourself, choose one tiny thing you can do today and every day after that to get you back on track. For you, it could be something totally different from me. You might come to find that it’s helpful to make yourself breakfast every morning. You might find that it’s beneficial to go for a brisk walk in the evenings. You might find that sometimes, you just need to sit around and do nothing. Or who knows, you might want to indulge in a little hobby, or you could be like me and do simple things like writing in your journal every day. Throughout a span of a lifetime these tiny actions will build up and if you stay consistent enough you might wake up one day and realize you’re exactly where you wanted to be, even though it seems like you’ve done nothing at all.

Little decisions. Big results.

by Jason Lam

LOOKING FOR ANSWERS WITH MY 1994 MIATA

Lately, I’ve been leaning more towards working on things that have answers.

In art, you never really know if what you’re doing is good or bad. You don’t know if something is right or wrong. Everything’s based on intuition alone and depending on who you ask, some people will love what you do, and some will hate it. 

Sometimes, art just gets way too subjective and you don’t know if you’re making forward progress or back and it can send you spiraling down this rabbit hole of self-doubt, anxiety, and hopelessness.

That’s why I’ve been finding myself doing things like woodworking, carpentry, and most recently, cars like my 1994 Miata.

The 1994 Mazda Miata is not perfect. It’s got its usual bumps and bruises for being a 25-year-old car. There are tons of things to fix and maintain. However, none of it really gives me a headache because there are definite answers. My brake pads are getting a little thin so I just need to replace them with a new pair of brake pads. I know exactly where to buy them, and when they come in the mail, I know I need to use a 14 mm socket wrench to loosen the bolts on the brake caliper and swap out the old ones with the new. 

Additionally, the license plate was a little bent, so I just took it off, flattened it against a ton of heavy books, and there, a straight license plate. Problem fixed.

The windshield wipers were a little wonky. So I bought a new pair at the auto shop down the street from my house and yet again, fixed.

I know I shouldn’t expect art to be as easy as buying new parts and being able to swap things in and out so seamlessly. Part of the allure of art is the lack of answers and definite processes in the first place.

But I’ve spent 10 years making art and I’m starting to find it’s quite nice to have limitations every once in a while. It resolves the “paradox of choice,” it takes away analysis paralysis, and overall, it just helps me be a happier, healthier person.

I know I’ve always advocated for staying true to your voice and going out and living the life you want regardless of limitations. But I’m surprised myself, how a few limitations can go a long way.

If you’ve been caught in limbo, can’t tell which way is left from right, feel stagnant, and almost feel like you’ve lost your way in life, maybe look into doing things with definite answers. It doesn’t have to be a car. It could be signing up for a martial arts class, or deciding to get into plants. Whatever it is, I think it’s important to nurture ourselves as artists. And if that means taking a complete left turn and finding the joy in changing out the engine oil, (Miata’s take synthetic oil 5W-30 btw) then so be it.

Longevity plays such a large role in one's success. I think we all deserve a little pitstop every once in a while to preserve our sanity, take care of ourselves, and allow ourselves a little break from having to create the “next big thing” all the time.

by Jason Lam