I've been thinking a lot about the gift I wanted to give myself for turning 30.
It's something I've been thinking about for the better part of the year and I'm almost turning 31 so I better hurry up!
At first, I was set on getting an Apple Watch. Then my friend got me one as a thank you for officiating his wedding (it was nerve-wracking, btw). So then I had my eyes set on a cool little sports car from the 90s. After all, it’s a teenage dream I never got around to fulfilling, but the search became ever longer and the more time passed by, the more I had to admit to myself that as cool as it is, it won’t make me any more happy.
So what was it? What did I truly want?
As some of you may know, throughout the past couple of years I've been struggling with an identity crisis. I've been struggling to make ends meet as an artist, as a photographer, and I've tossed in the towel at least 3 times by now. Once, by just trying to be someone else and hide behind the name, @ithinkimjustlonely, and another time, doing a 180 and becoming a YouTuber under Barely Evolved Apes.
But something was still missing.
What was it?
And the answer has been staring me right in the face every day.
I wasn't being myself.
Better yet, I wasn't allowing myself to be fully myself.
Instead, I was only taking half steps. Just kind of doing everything. But never fully committing to showing my face and standing for something.
So my gift to myself as I turn 30 is to start allowing myself to be fully myself, which I've come to find isn't as easy as just a one-time decision. It’s an everyday endeavor to remind myself to stop hiding, to take space, and to be proud of what I've done and what I will continue to do.
I'm an artist. I like to dance, travel, write and take photos. Sometimes I go off on tangents and create new brands like Barely Evolved Apes. Other times I go interior and get sucked too far into my emotions like @ithinkimjustlonely. Sometimes I want to conquer the world! Other times, I like to just do nothing, whatever it is, this is all of me. My name is Jason Lam, and I’m an artist.
by Jason Lam