I came up with a new rule. It’s called turn your brain off after dinner. No pondering life’s big questions or if you’re headed in the right direction. Just eat some dessert, kick back, relax, maybe watch a movie or two or cuddle with your significant other and call it a night. Tomorrow’s a new day. Do it in the morning if you have to because at the end of the day you’re usually tired, and something about the darkness just leads to dark thoughts. Let’s not do that to ourselves.
by Jason Lam
Often times taking care of yourself means listening to the things you don't want to listen to. Facing truths you'd rather not face. Doing things you'd rather not do because, to be honest, it’s just way easier to keep doing the things you've always done rather than do the one thing we all know we must do:
Change.
We are the products of circumstance, sure, but we are also the product of our decisions within those circumstances. Where we are today, is a direct result of every little decision we’ve made within our given landscape. If you don't like where you are, it would make sense to stop making the same decisions. Right?
But it's not that simple.
Old habits are hard to break. Old thought patterns, even harder. Odd as it sounds, often times we’d rather choose to suffer the consequences of making the same old mistakes rather than change, because at least that way, we have certainty, and we love certainty.
So much to the point where it could prevent us from ever stepping out into the unknown to try and make things better. For good reason, we’re afraid to make things even worse. Better not rock the boat when you feel like you’re already sinking. Right?
We are creatures born into a landscape that is not of our choosing, but it is our actions that then solidify our position within that landscape. To improve your life, not only do you have to change your actions, you must be consistent enough so that your immediate landscape can then break and accommodate the new you that you are trying to create. This naturally breeds resistance. Even resentment. From others. And from yourself.
But if it means taking better care of yourself and living a better life, I think it's pain worth fighting for. You want those growing pains. You want to face those truths. You want to have the difficult conversations. Because through the darkness and gloom, there is a greater, stronger you to be found. Isn’t that worth going into the unknown? Isn’t that worth a little change?
What are some hard truths you’ve been neglecting? Some areas in your life you’ve been running away from? Consider the fact that the answers you seek lie exactly where you do not want to look.
by Jason Lam
It just doesn't seem like it until something goes terribly wrong. A family member dies or we get seriously ill. It’s almost as if we can't think clearly and act out what is truly important in our lives until we come close to death. The grim reaper should make regular appearances in our lives to remind us that the time we have here is limited and there’s no need for stalling. I recently purchased a human skull and placed it on my desk to remind me of just that. Nobody gets out of here alive, so at least try to do what makes you happy.
by Jason Lam
The real skill in life is not to find the one dream you’ve been looking for, not to buy that one dream house, and not to finally be able to go on your one dream vacation.
It’s, oddly enough, to keep changing with the changes in your life.
I've come to find, the hard way, that often times by the time I’ve achieved and reached the things that I want, I’ve already changed and become a different person, so much that the old me that once wanted said “thing” no longer exists to continue wanting it.
Not only that, times change, landscapes change, cultures and industries change. Hek, even our biology changes.
I once wanted to be a photographer, then a writer, then a YouTuber. Now, sometimes I play with the idea of a musician, but I've come to find it’s not the attainment of any one thing that will make you happy. Rather, it’s a state a mind. To be willing to bend with the wind as it comes and goes. To accept and love the rain when it pours. To shake with the earth when it roars. And to light up with the sun when it shines.
There is no one “me” that will allow me to be forever happy.
There is only an ever-changing me that I need to learn to grow with.
Keep changing with the changes.
by Jason Lam
I wish someone could’ve prepared me for all the waste I was going to produce as an artist and taught me how to trim the garbage off like weeds in a garden. Just because you made it, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s good. Not everything needs to be kept. Cut things out like your life depends on it.
by Jason Lam
Turns out. I'm really bad at knowing what I really want and what will make me happy. I might want to travel the world, but really I just want the freedom to do so if desired. I might want to be a millionaire, but really I just want enough to support my hobbies. I might want to run my own business, but really I just want the autonomy to work when I want and be able to take extra-long lunch breaks to catch up with friends and stuff.
Taking all that into consideration. I might not want a lot of the things I say I want. And I might actually enjoy a lot of things I never thought I’d enjoy. Like teaching for example, or interviewing my friends, even cooking. It remains true. Just because you enjoy watching movies doesn't mean you will enjoy working in the movie industry.
(I made that sentence up, it’s not a saying at all. It works though right? Ok, fine, maybe not.)
by Jason Lam
Because if you don’t, you never get the chance to become your own idol. And on the off chance that you do become just like your idol. You fail by default because you didn’t learn a thing they were teaching you. To pave your own path. To create your own style. To stay true to your voice. Or as my college professor once told me, "You already have a unique voice, you just have to stay true to it."
by Jason Lam
One thing I’ve been working hard on is to try and forget everything I’ve learned in dance, in photography, in writing… I think I might have been too good of a student, taken too many classes and took my teachers too seriously. Because what usually ended up happening in all aspects of my “serious” learning was a really robotic cut out of technically correct moves, but lacking of any authenticity.
I haven’t really been dancing for the past 5 years. I’ve still been taking photos but I really haven’t been as active as before. I also haven’t been writing as much. I got bored. It wasn’t really that fun anymore. I think it's partly because it felt inauthentic. Like each time I got to work, I wasn’t being myself. I was just being an idea of what I thought I should be.
So, lately, I’ve been trying my hand at these things again. But this time just kinda going for it and seeing what comes out. It hasn’t been looking very pretty. Honestly, everything looks kind of weird. But it’s been quite fun to create without constantly comparing yourself with “the greats,” without searching for “how to” videos on YouTube, and without critiquing your work before you’ve given yourself a chance to grow. I love learning, but I put equal emphasis on the importance of unlearning.
by Jason Lam
On the journey to living the life we want, there is always this abyss we must overcome. I call it the bottomless pit of excuses. Nobody escapes. Everybody falls in when they begin their journey.
I actually find it quite peculiar how it shows up in my life. Every time I’m about to go out and shoot a video or reach out for collaborations, I fall into the bottomless pit.
My brain goes on autopilot and takes me on this epic journey through the pit of excuses starring: “Omg, I need to wait for my laundry to finish!” + “It’s too late, the sun will set by the time I start recording and it will be too dark” + “I don’t have enough hard drive space for all the new footage anyways”. All of which have quick and easy solutions, so it’s really quite trivial.
But my body loves it. It craves excuses like how I used to crave soda and candy. I just can’t get enough! Well, I’m about 10 years deep into pursuing my curiosities so I’m a bit more experienced. Now I am aware of the bottomless pit. It doesn’t catch me off guard (as often), and I’ve figured out many more ways around it. But the first step is knowing it’s there, that it’s an epic journey we like to go on, and that as good as the excuses feel, it’s not good for you.
by Jason Lam
Sometimes it helps to make things when you’re tired. I learned this from my dance experience when I was living in New York. Often times, I felt my dancing was best at the very end of the night when most people have already left the club. Why? Because I’m too tired to think and try to come up with clever tricks and moves. I can only do what is truly in my heart and soul, what truly wants come out of my body. No gimmicks. I’ve noticed this is true of my writing. And this is also true of my photography. It’s almost as if you have to jump through all the hoops trying to impress the crowd before you can really tap into the deepest, purest, most honest form of your artistry.
I guess the idea is that your true self can only ever present itself when you’re too tired to be like anyone else.
by Jason Lam
This sounds weird, but sometimes I forget to have fun.
I get so caught up in my work and “adulting,” weeks will pass and I will have barely spent any time outdoors with my friends doing absolutely nothing (the good kind of nothing). My closest friends know this about me, so they’re good about calling me out and pulling me out of my own self-imposed misery. But I need to remind myself to take having fun just as seriously as, well, actual serious stuff.
As Jack says in Stanley Kubrick’s movie, The Shining, “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy,” or in my case, all work and no fun makes evolving incredibly hard and I just end up crying myself to sleep at night. Lol. Ok. maybe not that dramatic. But yes. Kinda that dramatic.
by Jason Lam
How would you photograph if you’ve never seen another photo? How would you photograph if you’ve never been bombarded with images of what “good photography” is? No magazine aisles. No celebrities. How would you photograph if platforms like instagram didn’t exist? Should we really determine our artistic vision based on how things are commonly displayed? Is it helpful? Is it necessary? Or is it just getting in the way?
by Jason Lam
I’ve been questioning the value I get from social media for several years. Most days I notice myself staring at my phone for no good reason at all, but I still seemed to be spending more and more time on it. What was the deal? I wanted to reevaluate social media's purpose in my life, so, on July 1st, I gave myself a gift. No social media for 3 months.
This is what I learned:
I definitely felt withdrawals. I suddenly had much more extra time and I wanted to do something with it. I was teaching myself how to trade stocks at the time, so naturally, I transitioned all the free time into looking at my Robinhood app and reading up on stock market news. I ended up deleting Robinhood off my phone as well.
You feel free. You really do. Because maybe people don’t like to admit, but the more we look at social media, the more you compare yourself with others. That’s not really something I enjoy doing. Nor is it doing any good for my health. Is it voluntary blindness so I can trick myself into feeling better about myself? Maybe. But I also know that most of what people post on social media is really just a highlight reel of their lives. Myself included. So no. Not missing out at all.
Life is much simpler than you think. Life without social media is…. Dare I say it? Much better. It’s simpler. I am no longer bombarded by an endless feed with endless scrolling. No longer concerning myself over likes, followers and comments. I just get to live my life. It’s one less thing I have to think about. And I don’t miss it at all.
To take it a step further I also turned my phone black and white. I know, this has nothing to do with social media but then it does. The design of social media apps and the Instagram icon itself is made so you can’t help but to look at it AND stay on it. We react very strongly to bright reds, notice how the Instagram logo has a beautiful gradient of warm sunset tones? Who doesn’t love a good sunset? How’s life with a black and white phone? Not as boring as you think. Because then you have to look up at the world and see how colorful your life has always been from the start.
FOMO - Am I missing out? I probably am. Especially since most events are created and invited via Facebook nowadays. Then again, I’m not too concerned. After all, I have 2,500+ friends on Facebook, but how many people are actually my friends? How many of them will actually throw an event important enough for me to feel terrible for not going? And if it was that important, I’m sure they’d find a way to make sure I got an invitation. Even if that meant sending me a personal text. Omg. Yes. A personal text message. Or lord knows. An email. Oh god. The terror.
Bad business - I do agree that perhaps going off social media is bad business. After all, that’s what social media has turned into, a giant marketing campaign 24/7. Look at me! Buy me! Follow me! Me me me me me! Aka. Spend spend spend spend spend all your money on me! Then again, I think it attests to the power of your business. If you’re able to do business without a social media following. That must mean what you’re offering is damn good. SO damn good, people will find you in the real world. I don’t mind that at all.
Take my number - I used to think giving out my number was weird. Too personal. It’s like, "Ew, no, I’m not trying to date you!" Then again, I feel like it’s a nice personal touch in an age of social media. That’s right, take my number. If you need me, call me. Here’s my direct line. No need to add each other on social media and hope and pray that I see your random comment or your DM among thousands of others who are messaging me.
Overall quality of life is just better. I can’t describe it. I mean, to put it holistically, I’m spending less time hunched over a phone. I’m spending less time staring aimlessly at things I don’t care about. And I get less input from a superficial advertisement driven world. Instead, I stand up taller. I spend more quality time with myself and others. I actually do things that are developmental vs just time suckers. And I am empowered. I chose to get off the social media carousel. It’s a decision I made. This life is the life I chose to live. And that makes me feel good.
I think it made me less depressed. This all goes back to the comparison thing, but I can't help but notice how Instagram almost never fails to make me feel worse after using it. I mean, it's entertaining and all and I love being able to see what my friends are up to, but despite it all, I seem to come away from it always feel a little worse than before.
Struggles: To be quite honest, I do feel like my social life has taken a hit after deactivating my social media accounts. The reality is, keeping in touch with your friends takes place on social media now. Scrolling through your feed. Liking. Commenting. And even though I ignore 90% of the facebook events I get invited to, every once in a while, I do get invited to one that I’d actually want to take part of. So all those moments are out. And I find myself texting my friends more often like it was the early 2000s trying to figure out what they’re up to and to see if they want to hang out. Damn. I thought relationships would get better. But I find it hard to say so. If anything. It’s just different. Unfortunately, less screen time doesn’t translate to more face to face time. It really just translates into more alone time, which, as someone who already spends a lot of time alone and is rather comfortable with being alone, more alone time doesn’t do that much for me. It kinda just makes things worse. You know what I started doing? Going to cafes so I can at least be around people. I know right. Isn’t that sad? Like, maybe I should order something not because I want to eat or drink anything but just because I want some sort of social interaction. Is this a sign of a big epidemic that we are not aware of due to social media? Or is it a sign that if I don’t join the crowd I will be forever alone? I’m sure the real answer is nowhere near as dramatic as I’m making it sound, but it feels that way.
Since spending such a significant amount of time off social media, I’ve been able to be more intentional with how I use it. I am no longer on Facebook and I probably won’t be returning any time soon. I seriously was not getting any value from it and I don’t miss it at all. I’m no longer on Twitter, which wasn’t a big deal for me because I was never that active on Twitter anyways. I am still on Instagram, however, now my feed shows only the things I truly want to look at. Will I go off social media again? I probably will. Despite it being a bit challenging, I like what it does for my health and how it forces me to recalibrate what’s important in my life.
by Jason Lam
Whats art if not just a way for us to get someone to pay attention when we’re sad, lonely, afraid?
No, crying didn’t work. Ranting didn’t work. Screaming. Yelling. Throwing tantrums didn’t work.
So we make art.
We make our problems beautiful.
So for once,
Someone, somewhere out there,
Will listen.
by Jason Lam
I’ve been thinking a lot about sunk costs, past identities, and lives we’ve lived out as a result of decisions made from a younger more naive self. Like, I decided to be a photographer when I was 18 years old. Do I still want to be a photographer? How could I have been so sure? I’m most definitely a different person from when I made that decision. I am also in a completely different landscape since then. Should I hold on steadfast out of fear of being called a quitter? I’m not sure.
Sometimes, I feel our experiences and even our skillsets can hold us back more than they can propel us forward. It’s like because we’re good at something, it makes it that much harder to ever explore foreign lands in search of something new. But who knows, if we were to break up with our old dreams and decisions maybe, just maybe, we will evolve into the greater selves that we were meant to become… But who knows, right? Maybe it’s all hoopla and the reason why we say these things is because it makes us feel better. Or because there’s an element of truth to it. Do I sound like a 14-year-old kid babbling on his Xanga blog yet? Cause it feels like it. Lol. Well, not quite, because I’d be TyPiNg LiKe tHiS~
Anyways, here’s a quote I found earlier today I felt was relevant:
“If you free yourself from what you’ve done before, you open up a world of possibility” - David Airey
by Jason Lam
I had some crazy dreams last night. I think it might’ve been the fresh tea I had with dinner last night. I had tomato beef with rice and the lady offered me tea. Usually, it’s those regular teas that have been sitting in the metal barrel for the whole day so it’s nice and diluted, but no, this was a fresh bag. My sleeping powers are not as strong as before, so I was rolling around in bed for at least an hour before I dozed off.
But then came my dreams. It was kind of intense last night.
My construction teacher became my English teacher or something of that sort. We had to turn in a paper and after class, she chased me down and told me she had to speak with me. Well, after a trials and tribulations situation where I was trying to follow her down the stairs but got held up because someone dropped all their batteries on the floor; I, for some reason, also dropped my rolls of film and struggled to get everything back to where it was. When I finally caught up with her she said I need to slow down! Take it easy. I’m trying to do too much. Thinking too much. Ease off the gas pedal just a little bit.
It makes sense. I’ve been stressed. And I get anxious because I can’t do more. Granted, I’m going to class today and she won't have any idea of the knowledge she gave me last night. We’re just going to go ahead, grab some 2x4s, and build some walls, but it’s interesting how much you can learn about yourself in a dream.
by Jason Lam
if you find you are having trouble moving forth in your work. Consider the fact that you are not being authentic. It could be possible you are pursuing something that you know is not your heart's desire. That deep down inside, you know you are lying to yourself. Deep down. You know that there is more to do, and you haven’t done it. Consider the fact that you might just have to throw it all away and start all over again.
Things I’ve been thinking about.
by Jason Lam
Well, first you gotta experiment. And not only do you have to experiment. You have to allow yourself to do, see, and experience things that are totally outside your comfort zone. Totally outside your usual realm of existence. So yes, that means go volunteer on a cow farm in Iceland for a month. Yes. That means go backpacking in that random foreign country that your friend invited you to. Wander off into the metaphysics section of the bookstore. Go try that new restaurant. Go take that acroyoga class. Go ask that girl out on a date. Do it. And by doing so, you stretch yourself. And by stretching yourself you widen your spectrum… or palate, if you will, so you have more tools at your disposal.
Much as I would like style to just magically appear one day, it won’t. It’s something you work towards every day. Not just in the studio, but by living. Style must be carved out of you through blood, sweat, and years.
And then one day, you will find that hey, you actually have come up with a style that is pretty unique to who you are. Notice I said who you are. Not who you are as an artist. I mean who you are as a person. Because as you are, so is your art.
So I guess what I’m saying is, to find your style you must find your life. To carve it out. To seek out the unknown. To embrace the darkness with the light. To fall into disaster and to claw yourself back out. And one day, sure, it might seem like magic, but you will find yourself. And thus, your style.
by Jason Lam
I quit social media about a month ago. It wasn’t easy, and sometimes, I do get bored, but I’m already noticing some of the benefits. The main one? I feel less anxiety because I’m no longer comparing myself to other people 24/7. I can’t! In fact, the other day I relapsed. I signed on for business purposes and then found myself reacting quite negatively as I scrolled through my friends feeds, seeing how some of them have 10k+ followers and how I only have 600. I’d like to say this stuff doesn’t affect me. But it does. Higher number, higher status. Lower number. Lower status. And who likes to have lower status? Not me...
But quitting social media can help. I know because I’m experiencing it first hand. I feel more free to be myself. I no longer have the whole world (the internet) watching. I don’t have to be as careful. I can like what I like, do what I do, and live the life that I want and that’s about it. Who cares about likes and followers? Better yet. Who cares about the numbers? Because if we do, well, then we’re just creating art for other people. And while there’s nothing wrong with that. I just feel like sometimes we forget to feed ourselves.
I used to do that.
So much to the point where I lost all joy in creating art. I also lost all sense of purpose. I couldn’t find answers to so many questions that started popping up. Why am I creating art? Why does it even matter? And why should I continue anyways? Because I’m just not having fun anymore.
It’s like, post more selfies! Because people will engage with you more. People want to know what you’re up to! Show us what’s happening behind the scenes! More! More! More! But what about me? Is it all just for the numbers?
I used to have the dream to be able to get paid for a large social media following.
But not anymore.
Not if it means having to be someone I am not and to create art that doesn’t resonate from the depths of my soul.
So… quitting social media. Should you do it? I think you should at least try. See what it does for you. No, the world won’t stop turning. You won’t lose your job. If anything, you’ll gain your sanity back like I did. And perhaps, by doing so, you’ll be able to come back to terms with your art in ways that you couldn’t when the whole world was watching.
by Jason Lam
I turned 30 on July 1st. I spent it celebrating my birthday for the very first time with a group of amazing friends in Southern California. It was wonderful. We rented out a private campground filled with play structures, yurts filled with musical instruments, and a private pool. We hosted yoga workshops, cacao ceremonies and had fun little hooping classes. We also had to drive past Garden Grove to get there so we all picked up some really yummy Vietnamese food along the way =) It was exactly how I wanted to spend my birthday. Not a one-off party. Not a drunken shitshow at a club spending thousands of dollars. But quality time spent with friends who have been there for me and facilitated, accepted, and supported me in my growth.
I spent the following week in Los Angeles staying at my friends place continuing to do the same and meeting up with those who couldn't make it to the weekend getaway. Every lunch, dinner, and dessert was filled with good food and good company. Each with conversations about life about where we’ve gone, where we are now, and where we will go. I really wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. I ate naengmyeon in K-Town. Ate dining hall food at UCLA for the first time in nearly a decade. Made last minute fried pickles. And had chilaquiles for the very first time. I got significantly tanner and found a new found love for pickle backs (they prevent hangovers!) lol. Granted, I really shouldn’t be drinking anymore. I had so much fun I had a friend text me from San Francisco telling me to move to LA. He said I looked much happier. Genuine happiness, he said.
I returned home for a week to get some work done and get started on doing the one thing I want to truly figure out in my 30s. My finances. I used to hate money. But now I’ve decided to make a conscious effort at fostering my relationship with money as I would with a good friend. I now see money as a tool that will enable me to live the life I want. Versus. As my old self would say, the root of all evil. I met with my financial advisor. Put more money in my investment accounts and spoke with an accountant in regards to how I should register my business. Searching the name, setting up a bank account, LLC vs Sole Proprietor. Things of that nature. It’s exciting, really. As long as I’ve ever known I’ve always wanted to run my own business. I just got sidetracked for the past ten years and wanted to be an artist. Lo and behold. I became a starving artist.
After spending about a week in the Bay Area working, and getting my finances in order, I took a trip to New York City. $384 roundtrip tickets via JetBlue. Not the cheapest ticket but it’s a trip I’ve been wanting to make for a very long time. It’s the one place I feel shaped me as an artist the most. It also kicked my ass the most and forced me to grow up and handle my shit. A sort of trials and tribulations of all work, no play, and high stress that in a way… I sort of miss. So I went back. I stayed in Stuyvesant Town. Slept on my friend's couch. And did the same thing I did in LA. Go out and catch up with as many friends as possible. Then again, I don’t have as many friends in NYC, so I spent an equal amount of time walking around the city looking at art. Museums. Bookstores. Dashwood Books being one of my must go-tos. Miwa, the store manager is a very nice woman who I met during the beginning of my photographic journey in NYC back in 2012. She remembered me. We talked. She reminded me that the photography journey is long. She said it’s so long, that most people quit in the middle. I responded, I’m in the middle right now.
All that isn’t to say that I don’t want to be a photographer. It’s just to say, I feel that photography is no longer all of me. It’s just a part of me, as much as being part Chinese and part American is a part of me. Or as much as being a dance instructor is a part of me. I say this because I think I need this sort of identification in order to continue to grow. Instead of forcing myself into a tiny box I created for myself when I was the ripe age of 18. How can anyone know what they are supposed to do for the rest of their lives at such a young age? Beats me.
I ate Joe’s Pizza. I had to. It was a staple in my diet when I first moved to NYC. Mainly the one by Washington Square Park. Unfortunately, it didn’t taste as good as I remember. And dare I say it? All of NYC has gotten more touristy in years past. But what can I say, technically, I am a tourist as well. I still found particular joy walking through the streets of Chinatown. I revisited my old apartment on Monroe Street next to the Manhattan Bridge. Still loud as always with the trains passing by. But alas, a hipster cafe opened right underneath. Why would anyone pay $20 for lunch when you can get a bowl of the best noodle soup of your life just around the corner for $6? Then again, not everyone loves Asian food like I do. That’s why I moved to Chinatown to begin with.
I don’t know what it is. Why I made these trips in July. But then again, I think I do. To check in with myself. To see how far I’ve come. To experiment. And see how I’d react to old sights and sounds. I’m happy to say I felt rather well grounded on these trips. I was no longer the lost boy with no experience and no skillsets. I was instead, the lost boy with a body of work and some mashup of skillsets that I could sometimes boast about if ever needed. It’s not the greatest. Then again. It’s not so bad either.
I think what was most telling was how I used my camera. I didn’t carry around a heavy DSLR camera. I carried around my shitty Olympus Stylus Epic. Tiny. Compact. And often leaves me with flawed images. But no matter. I walked around the city and welded this camera like a samurai. Quick with the draw. Unhesitant with my shots. Confident in what I was photographing was exactly what I wanted to photograph. No second guessing. Headshots every time. It felt good, if I say so myself.
Am I leaving photography because of this feeling? Perhaps. One thing I know is that whenever Picasso ever figured out how to do something, he abandoned it. I’m not saying I’m Picasso. But maybe it’s time to abandon parts of my old self. The camera. My portfolio. Old flames. Old cities. Old apartments. Maybe what I was doing was doing a last goodbye. Then again. Who knows.
by Jason Lam
