End of a chapter.

4 years and 500 photos later, it’s time to end my photo series: @ithinkimjustlonely.

It’s not that I’m no longer lonely. Or that I no longer feel feelings of emptiness at times. But I feel it’s time to move on.

I created this series during a time of struggle. It was during a time when I felt all wasn’t going right. I couldn’t land a secure job. All my attempts at becoming a photographer seemed to fail. I didn’t feel supported by my family. I didn’t feel understood by my peers.

Still, I didn’t know that loneliness had become a real problem in my life until I took a real look at the photos that I was taking on my 35mm point and shoot camera. It was an Olympus Stylus Epic given to me by my colleague, which was given to him by his grandmother. I often used this camera for personal work. My non-professional stuff. So naturally, I didn’t think as much when taking these photos, I just captured what I captured.

As I began diving deeper into what was wrong with me, I also began compiling more of these photos. These pictures were telling me something. They were deeper looks into parts of myself that even I, myself, was too afraid to acknowledge. Until, one day, I thought to myself, I think I’m just lonely.

Which made sense, to be quite honest. I really was lonely. Unfortunately, I didn’t really know who to turn to. In many ways, I felt ashamed. And I guess, in a way, I was in denial.

Why? After all, should someone like me feel so damn sorry for himself? Suck it up! Deal with it! I’d think to myself. And I tried. But loneliness is not something you can just ignore. No matter how many different ways I tried to distract myself, the feeling of emptiness always remained. It eats you up from the inside out. Affecting any and all things in your life. So much to the point where you can’t even enjoy your food, and you don’t even want to hang out with your friends. You just feel like doing absolutely nothing.

I thought the only way to alleviate the pain would be to face it forthrightly.

So I named the series @ithinkimjustlonely.

At first thought, many people questioned me. What the hell? They’d say. Many people wondered why I’d choose a name like that. Others laughed as if it was a joke. But I stuck to it because I felt like at this point, there was no other way to move forth but to admit to the reality of the situation.

Even though I felt self-conscious about it for the first few years, I began to realize the benefits of having this series. To me, it almost felt like a container. A designated place where you could go to come to terms with your emotions. After all, we have wastebaskets for our garbage, we have gyms where we can go and work out, we even have night clubs for people to go and party. But where do we go when we feel sad? For me, this series became that place that I could run to.

As I continued, I started to recognize that perhaps beyond its benefits for me, it could stand for something more. On the rare occasions where I could have deeper talks with my friends, I noticed that they, too, suffered from loneliness, anxiety, even depression. So this series began to symbolize not just my inner struggles with loneliness, but as an entire project dedicated to exploring these oft never talked about feelings, but nevertheless real, and hopefully, to make others feel like they are a little less alone as well.

So I continued.

Now, I’ve gotten to the point where I feel I must move on. As artists, we create things often because there is something we have to say, or there are feelings that we must put somewhere. In many ways, art is therapy. In my case, photography became my therapy. It gave me an outlet. It forced me to look at the reality of my situation and to come to terms with it all. I needed this project to exist. It has helped me move forward in life regardless of the pain that I feel.

The reason I feel it’s time to move on is because even though I still struggle with feelings of loneliness, I’ve also grown so much throughout the years. I’ve become a different person. I’ve also learned different ways of coping with my darker emotions. And so, if I am to continue working on this series, in a way, I’d be holding myself back. Because to continue this series, would be to continue identifying with these feelings. As much as the series has helped me when I first began, it almost feels like a weight holding me back at this point. I’m thankful for its existence. I’m grateful for all it has done for me. Though, I must move on if I am to continue growing into the man that I was meant to be. And that means having the courage to let go.

So this is the end. I hope that by being a part of this series, you were able to gain something from it as well. I hope it made you feel less alone. I hope you feel less ashamed of your darker emotions. And I hope it helped you get out of bed and move through another day.

It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to feel lonely at times. It’s also okay to open up. It’s okay to let yourself feel those emotions. It’s also okay to let others in on the pain you are feeling. You are never truly alone.

I don’t know what the future brings. But I know that it’s just time to let go.

So, I guess this is goodbye, for now.

by Jason Lam